The colors I see
by Detached
Summary: Near looked down at his skin, his white unmarred skin. He was unscathed at least physically. L was dead. Matt was dead. Mello was dead. Kira was dead; he was the only one left, the only one left with the corrupted world on his hands. Read inside.


**Detached:** Okay people. This was a spot of inspiration that bugged me all day, especially during my driving lesson (ick). I don't really want my license so soon, but it's not like I can do anything about it. –Sigh- well anyway here we go I guess.

Near looked down at his skin, his white unmarred skin. He was unscathed at least physically. L was dead. Matt was dead. Mello was dead. Kira was dead; he was the only one left, the only one left with the corrupted world on his hands. He was to take the place of L, to take it and try to fill the shoes that were impossible to fill. Near couldn't do it, he wasn't even the same Near. Even the colors he had grown accustomed to were gone.

He looked down at the desk, the pair of goggles littered with bullets that had belonged to Matt, and the black cross that had been Mello's it was only a matter of time before these things meant nothing to him anymore.

During his whole life, Near had only been able to see three colors. Red, black and white. Everything else appeared grey, which to Near meant everything that didn't matter. L had been black and white and his childhood idol. L had never cared what Near couldn't see, as long as Near didn't care.

Near looked down at his Lego village, it was devoid of red, black and white, just the many various shades of grey. Those colors had been pt away for now. He fastened the black chocker over his neck. He may not have believed in God, but he had believed in Matt and Mello and what they had shown him.

When he had been young, and still lived with his mother his lack of ability to see color had just been another thing to alienate himself from other children. His hair had made them wary, there had once been a time where he made his mother dye it for him. Black like her hair. His mother supposedly had blue eyes, but he merely saw a light grey. Which was probably another reason he had looked up to L. L's eyes had been black, or dark enough to appear so.

Then he saw the color of blood for the first time. Sure he had cut himself and hurt himself before but he would never forget coming home to see his mother dying, rivulets of blood running down her face, the kitchen floor covered in it as he desperately tried to stop the bleeding covering himself. He remembered how she had cried and how her clear tears had appeared stained red. He remembered screaming out to God for taking his mother away from him, for taking his life away.

Even at his young age of seven, Near would have killed himself that day had the neighbor not come and stopped him. He had kicked and screamed, wanting nothing more than to forget to allow himself to not see her white face framed with the black hair covered in blood. The colors were too much. It hurt too much.

After that, he became even more secluded. He had no need or desire to talk to anyone and drowned himself in a sea of grey. For two years he did not speak, letting others make their own perceptions of him, moving from home to home, spending all of his time alone.

Then Rodger came. Near remembered this because the man had a red umbrella. A stern straight man with a red umbrella. He spoke to Near for awhile then asked him to come with him. Near nodded, he was going to leave anyway, and this person offered him permanent residence.

Then he met L. L had been black and white, his eyes, his face, his clothing. His pants may have been grey, but L was L. and he accepted Near for what he was. He didn't care about Near and his puzzles there had been days when L had been typing and Near with a puzzle for hours not saying a word to one another. Near had loved those moments. L had never tries to go easy on him either, whether it was with the complexities of the puzzles he bought or if they played chess or some other mind game. Still Near had kept to himself and rarely spoke to anyone besides L. he had began to hurt himself them, to see blood to see red. Not enough to scar, but…enough. He was to be on a floor with others at high risk.

One day when he had been awake during the day, a girl asked him why his clothes had never matched. Near didn't care about that, but he didn't want to worry Rodger so he asked if his wardrobe could just be white. White pajamas. He would be comfortable and not waste effort on Rodger's part. It was granted easily, after all L ate hundreds of grams of sugar a day and Near had his own Lego town.

Then Matt came. Near had been terrified of the boy at first, he couldn't avoid him. Matt had red hair that always caught his attention. The boy had also been placed with him on the "danger floor" as it was referred to. Matt wasn't exempt from having his own genius quirks either. Matt always had a game in his hand and goggles around his neck. The goggles were grey as far as Near could tell, but they did stand out somewhat against the boys white skin. It wasn't really white, not like his own, but t wasn't grey either.

But Matt worked on him and even figured out that he was colorblind. Ironically during a video game."

"Run to the princess! She's wearing the green sash! NO that's yellow! Left! NO that's blue. Right! No in the middle…" he suddenly pointed to the screen "This one's the real one Near. So what can you not see?"

"Everything except black white and..." he pointed to the hair, "red." To his surprise Matt had smiled.

"Do you wan to fell red too?" he kneeled down and took Near's hand and placed it in his soft hair. After that Near started to twirl his own hair…and never stopped.

Then Mello came. Near had never felt the need to attend his classes regularly and Mello wanted the system of grades. Near didn't care. He let Mello be number one for the first month or two because he knew how smart he was. He didn't need to prove it with a piece of paper. Until Rodger had said that this factored into becoming the next L and L had agreed on its importance. Then Near came in first easily and Mello had turned on him.

The boy did not matter to him, he was grey, and except for his cross he was grey. He did steal Matt away from his side but Near knew that Matt still cared. Near actually laughed when Matt gave him Pokemon Red as a birthday present. E was never good at playing it, but the thought was there.

Why the hell do you wear nothing except stinkin' white pajamas!?" Mello had shoved him against the wall. "Do you think you're an angel do you think you special, you retard!? Well do you?!"

"No, it is merely easier for me to-"

"To what!? Be like L?!"

"To own all the same clothing because I cannot tell the difference otherwise."

"What the hell does that mean?!" Near remembered the small window of time when that had been as bad as Mello's mouth would go, before Mello learned swears.

"It means I can't see colors." Mello had dropped Near, he crumpled to the floor.

"Then what about me?"

"Grey. Ask Matt he knows." After that day Mello began to wear black on a regular basis. Mello had always been fond on tight clothing, leather and chocolate, but slowly and surely his wardrobe became black leather. It was a childish way to force Near to recognize his presence, and even more childish that Near allowed it to happen.

They held onto their tenuous friendship for a while before becoming teenagers. Mello beating on Near, Near wanting to be alone and Matt their secret keeper. Near eventually learned about Matt's mother, who was similar to his own in the way she had lived and died. He saw Matt cry for the first time that night and Near, let Matt hold him as he did so. Near could no longer cry over his mother.

Then hormones kicked in. Mello wanted to make Near show feeling, Near didn't want to wake up after a dream and Matt, well they both loved Matt. Even then Matt was the one that would arrange their meetings, usually he joined them, and occasionally he did not. Near now had red and black by his side once again. He was no longer empty.

Near loved watching the black leather come off of Mello, revealing the white beneath along with Mello's scars. Mello's scars were pure white like his skin and Near cherished them, just as he cherished Matt's hair and Mello's necklace.

And then Kira appeared. It did not matter to them at first L would take care of it. Then Mello's father was killed. Matt had run to Near and they had both run themselves ragged that night to show Mello how much they really did care.

Then L died and their happiness broke. Mello left, leaving both of them behind and for a while it was tolerable. Near still selfishly held only his red and yearned for Mello. But he knew that when Mello called Matt would go. Near would not ask Matt to choose, that would destroy him. He had Matt and if Mello needed him, Near would let him go. The world turned grey once again until Kira confirmed Mello presence. His rash black would always act before thinking but he had left Near a picture. The one night that they had together in years was the night Near returned the picture.

"I missed you." He said pulling the necklace down to meet him.

"I missed you too." He said running his hand through the red hair he knew so well. He wasn't going to ask them not to leave, that was impossible, they had jobs to do.

"I don't want to be able to walk properly for at least a week." His lovers smiled, that they could do.

When he heard about Mello's almost death, his heart broke. He realized that he wouldn't be able to stand it if it did happen. Mello realized it too and Matt became their go-between again. He loved his red lover, but he wanted his black lover too.

Then Matt died. His red lover died a shower of bullets from Kira supporters. What an ironic death. The peacemaker died in the most violent way. Mello had let Near now and they said nothing for a minute before the connection was cut.

Then Mello died. Near ignored the pain to his heart, Mello wanted him to catch Kira, had given his life to protect him. Black had sacrificed itself so that white could win. Near thought and found it.

He explained to the boy, realizing too late that the boy too was lost in the sea of death he'd created for himself, Just as Near had buried himself in his sea of grey. L had been the boy's way out, but he had cut himself off from redemption, had sealed his own fate.

When he was confirmed dead, Near fell to his knees. It was over. It was finally over. Kira was defeated. But Near was not unscathed. He had lost L, the black and white; he had lost both his red lover and his black lover. Near had lost himself just as he had done the day his mother died. He wrapped the necklace around his wrist and pulled the knife slicing the necklace and what lay underneath it. He smiled as the red poured out.

"I see your colors again…"

Detached: Ooooh…dark. Like I said bothering me so I wrote this. Technically supposed to be a one-shot but I can make it more if it gets reviewed well. Yep. I'm tired now. Pushed this out in…4ish hours. I actually have creative Writing now in school so depending on what she wants I may be doing quite a few stories for you guys. I'll have to edit them for school and then unedit them for you guys but….you get my drift yes? It probably has to be edited and I'm not too sure of the timeline towards the end, but…what do you think?


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